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[30 Dec 2009|09:32am] |
babies
houses
money
fear
anger
depression
all of it.
instead create memories with people you love.
go to PEI
go to Mexico
tell your mom you love her
buy a nice dress
love louder, stronger, harder, more completely.
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[12 Dec 2009|09:15am] |
postlapsarian   
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| be ok. |
[07 Dec 2009|07:52pm] |
"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself."
Walter Anderson
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[21 Nov 2009|09:04pm] |
We went to an open house today and it just felt right. Children's art hung on the wall. A huge seating area with lots of soft couches. A deck over looking a park. I want it. It feels so right. It is exactly how I imagine myself living for the next few years. All this from only the top apartment.
In the main floor apartment there was a newspaper clipping on the fridge about castlemusic. I jokingly said to Erik, I wonder if she lives here? Only for the relater to causally ask, Oh do you know Jennifer?
No, no of course I don't know her. But I knwo her music.
I saw her play at a tiny church. It was packed, people were sitting on the floor crowded together to make room for everyone. The lights were off. She lit a candle and started to sing. Everyone was silent. It was amazing. I bought her album the next day and listened to it for months.
The house is beautiful & I would have a beautiful tenant whose beautiful music might trickle up through the floor boards. I need this. Now to convince Erik.
http://www.myspace.com/jennifercastlemusic
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[21 Nov 2009|09:57am] |
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why despise your own wiring? it was desire that made you; however twisted the originating bed, your beginning
was ferocious.
quiz: what's the difference between a lie and a myth.
answer: the storyteller's intention.
Marty McConnell - from The World's guide to beginning
Fell asleep on the couch after watching mirrormask and eating chicken stuffed with basil & sun dried tomatoes. Woke up; put on a black dress, black lace tights, black heels. Scared that I was dressed for a funeral. Forced my self out of the house at 23 past midnight. Hiked my dress up and rode my bike to the club. Descended the staircase by my self. Ordered a double vodkacran and looked for the ladies I was meeting. A year ago this would not have happened. Maybe the vodka, but never alone. Never with out clinging to someone else for support. A man in a leather jacket grabbed my face with both hands, told me it gorgeous. I give a silent prayer to the workers who made my glasses. Artificial confidence from an eye exam and two toned plastic frames.
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| it's not meant to be a struggle |
[19 Nov 2009|07:13pm] |
lost wisdom
is a quiet echo
lost wisdom
a boulder under the house
i used to know you
now i don't
Every song on this album is perfect. Every. Single. Song.
I am so lonely. 14 unanswered emails. 6 unanswered texts. I can't deal with any of it. I am awkward. Not sad enough on the surface. Ashamed of being cold & distant. Relieved. Sick. Accepting or shutting down?
I want a new start.
Today: sparrows hiding from the rain under electric yellow shopping carts, chirping their little birdie hearts out. Arlind and Mitch, their faces lost in their hoods, bending over to see the birds, laughing. Dancing in the car on the drive back to school, traveling down streets we've never been on before, but drive by every day. Life is still beautiful. But the moments are not staying long enough.
It's warmer now: lean in to it
Unfold in a generous way
Surrender
Surrender
Undo
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| sometimes even to live is an act of courage |
[10 Nov 2009|01:31pm] |
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music |
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bellwoods, London |
] |
My father passed away on the 4th.
there are too many conflicting feelings.
Tomorrow is my first day back in the real world in over 2 weeks. I don't know if I am ready but I can't stay away any longer.
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[09 Nov 2009|10:59am] |
Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell
by Marty McConnell
leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.
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[23 Oct 2009|09:47pm] |
my dad is in the hospital. unconsious since tuesday. today they said they think he's brain dead but want to wait a few more days. I don't know how to deal. we are all in denial. noone is saying anything.
he went in for a knee replacment. this wasn't supposed to happen.
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[11 Oct 2009|03:36pm] |
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mood |
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 disconnected |
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the weather feels good.
my mind, not so much.
hoping it's just the up coming exams that are throwing me off.
so much beauty these last few weeks.
Saw the salmon running in the Humber river near the old mill. Was really just in awe of the whole thing. The size of the fish, their determination, the beautiful fall scenery.
Riding in the back seat, listening to the Beatles, watching the red, orange, yellow trees pass by the window.
The weightless of a tiny, yellow finch as it trembled in my hands.
Standing under an apple tree, whose branches arced towards the ground. The perfect spot to hide from the world for a little while.
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[04 Oct 2009|06:23pm] |
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I think last night was the most amazing night I've had in a long time.
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[06 Aug 2009|08:45pm] |
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we didn't get the house. our offer was in the top 3, but they wanted more money.
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| validation. |
[06 Aug 2009|03:19pm] |
sometimes when you really need something you actually get it.
I needed this.
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[04 Aug 2009|12:15pm] |
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We are making an offer on a house on Thursday. It's a multiple offer situation so we're not really sure if we're going to get it. I don't know how I feel. I'm not letting my self get excited because up until this point everything has been a bust. But it would be nice to start settling down. I'm looking at design blogs again and feeling pretty good about creating a beautiful place to live in.
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[30 Jul 2009|09:49am] |
I finally did some sewing. There are lots of small mistakes, but I'm pretty happy with it.
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[02 Jul 2009|07:35pm] |
I'm getting tired of seeing amazing houses only for Erik's dad to tell us all the things wrong with them.
I know he's a house inspector and he doesn't want us to buy a house with problems but man, it really, really sucks finding a beautiful house in our price range and then seeing water in the basement or insulbrick on the side of the house. I'm at the point where I don't want Erik to take pictures for his dad, I just want to make an offer.
We saw 4 nice houses today. I would LOVE to live in any of them. But they all had problems. The thing that kills me, is that the problems aren't big enough for other people to not buy the houses. They will all be sold with in a few days.
I'm trying to be positive about the whole experience. I'm trying to envision my self in our new home. But I don't know, I just feel really crappy about the whole situation.
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[29 Jun 2009|05:47pm] |
this little man is living with us for the summer!
his name is Tytus and this picture does not do him justice. He just shed and his colours are so bright and beautiful
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[28 Jun 2009|01:06pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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after 2 and a half months of not talking about babies, things started happening.
My body felt different. I was sore in places I'd never been sore before. I was crying over episodes of the dog whisperer and during the dolphin show at marine land. My medication says specifically not to get pregnant. Says that birth defects are common. I'm on birth control and we use condoms. How could this happen? I cried for weeks. I told my parents I didn't want a baby. I didn't want to have a baby with a birth defect because of some stupid medication. I told them I might have an abortion. Erik consoled me and said we did everything not to get pregnant and that it wasn't my fault. We decided if the doctors said things would be fine if I stop the medication, that I'd stop and we'd keep it and be happy. Other wise, it wasn't my fault. Even though it felt like it.
I'm not pregnant. I don't know what happened. Why things were the way they were. Erik is happy. Relaxed. Pours me drinks. I feel empty. Glad I don't have to make that choice but the longing is back. I hoped he would say "we thought were so why not?" but he doesn't.
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[22 Jun 2009|06:03pm] |
Friday night we ran through the backyard catching fireflies
Sunday night at the marsh, my mother, brother and I saw a deer and her baby
these are the moments I want to remember
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[10 Jun 2009|07:55pm] |
I don't know what happened, but it's amazing.
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[07 Jun 2009|06:03pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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after running out of the house on Markham because it smelled like there were several decaying animals or people in the walls
after losing the house on Crawford before we even got to see it
after getting my shoes stolen (then returned) while seeing a house on plamerston
We deserve to get the house on Dufferin.
just found out dufferin was sold before they even had the open house on sunday.
the search continues.
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[01 Jun 2009|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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 THE BEST! |
] |
whats up 476 Crawford?
you are only like 10 houses away, we could carry all our furniture right to you
you have a studio where erik can make beautiful music
you are close enough that I can still ride my bike to school with NO ADDED TIME!
Erik and I can have more picnics at trinity bellwoods
I can take my (future) dog to the dog park
You are perfect!
Let me buy you.
476 Crawford
hurry up and answer my email mortgage lady, I wanna buy a house!
*super positive vibes are needed with regards to me and this house*
sold :(
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[28 May 2009|10:14pm] |
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mood |
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 better |
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had a super shitty day, got home from night school, smoked a bowl.
since then i have sent several emails, messages, etc. that I will probably feel weird about in the morning but whatever, I am feeling SO much better that I don't ever care!
Things are going to work out. I'm just stressing and need to check my self before I wreck my self. We will get a house that is perfect for us. I will finish my assignment and pass this class. I will smile at work.
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[28 May 2009|04:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 weird |
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I need to be ok right now.
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